A while back the List Mommies issued a challenge for us to try and write a poorly written piece of fanfiction and present it as a gift to someone. Here is my answer to their awful fic challenge.

Please, remember that this is supposed to be bad.

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Their not mine. And I'm not really sure I even want to claim this story, unless you enjoy it that is.

I gift this awful fic to the following people: The Dorkfish, because she lets me call her Dorkfish and understands my bizarreness like nobody else, "Why don't they look, Bob? Why don't they look?". Allison Terry, my fellow Jayhawk, bandgeek, and Learned sufferer, who also has a unique insight into my bizarreness. Robyn, for her wanting someone to write a fic with the phrase Smelly Cat. Last but not least, everyone who I've ever Pestered, Nagged, Poked, and even Whacked, In the hope of encouraging them to produce their fic faster.

A Senseless Education
Lila Kulp


"Ellison get you butt in here!" Simon says.

"What Simon?" Jim respons.

"Have you enrolled in that class yet?" Simon says.

"I still do not see why we have to take those classes." Jim says.

"Cause the mayor said so that is why." Simon says.

"I knew he was out to get me." Jim said.

"You know that not true. Rafe and H have already enrolled in there classes and Joel can wait for the semester to start."

Jim just sat there and pouted.

"If you do not pick a class, I'll pick one for you." Simon says.

"You'd just pick one a class that I'd hate." Jim got up and walked out of Simon's office.


"Golly Blair, you cleaned your office." Jim zoomed in on the shelves, looking for dust.

"Yeah Big Guy, I got tired of not being able to find thing." The young guide informed his Sentinel.

"I need your help Blair." Jim started to explain.

"Okay, as long as it doesnot take to long. I have a class soon." The young guide informed his Sentinel.

"Well, you know those new criminology course that Rainier is offering? Well, the mayor thinks it would be a good idea if we took some. I have no idea which one I should take do you have any advise?"

Blair was packing his backpack so he could go to his own class. " I don't know Jim. Just do what I do. I put a page from the timetable over my dart board, close my eyes and see where the dart lands."

Then he rushed out of his office.

He just sat there for a moment. Then shrugged his shoulders and said to no one inparticular. "oh might as well." He opened the time table to the appropriate page propped it up on the shelf picked up one of the darts that Blair had labeled for part of some display placed a hand over his eyes and threw the dart. The dart indicated that the class that he was taking was "Advanced Techniques in Evidence Gathering."


The first day of classes came. But before that Blair had helped Jim by his books for class and had inundated him with note taking tips and study tips and other general college survival tips. So when Blair dropped him off at class on the first day Jim was really dreading the whole class thing.

And the class is as boring as the Sentinel had anticipated. The professor started with lecturing about nedding ot be aware of using all your senses. That was something that the Sentinel did not need to be told. He's heard it enough from his guide.


"Hey hows your class happening?"


"That's too bad man. Mine is great man. I'm learning tons about interviewing. Man this class idea is great."

"Well if it isn't my star pupil. Detective Ellison."

"Hey Jim, isn't that your professor over there?"

Detective Ellison looked up from the body that he was examining. He looked up to see Dr. Smith, the professor teaching his class. He was headed toward the detective and his partner.

"Are you using the Cramer method or the Pierce method?"

The Sentinel just rolled his eyes and ignored the snickers form his guide. "Actually I was about to use my favorite means of locating evidence."

"And what would that be?"

"It is a ancient method. One that works very good for me. It is called the Kachon Ranti method."

"Really, I haven't never heard of that one. Maybe I'll give you extra credit if you write a paper on it."

"Nah, I do not think so. Blair already has that covered. Now excuse me I need to get back to work."

As the professor walked away Sandburg turned to the detective, "Kachon Ranti method?"

The detective did not miss a beat, "Chopec for smelly cat," the detective said with a straight face.

"your spirit guide is smelly?"

"No, but he is."

They quickly found some more evidence that lead to the killer who finally confessed after a brief interrigation.


The finals time that semester was extremely awful. Not only was Blair juggleing school and police work but the whole bullpen now had finals to take.

Having all of his people working during the day and studying at night made Simon very grumpy.

It also made the detectives grumpy. Except Jim. He got more sleep in class than the others got at night.


Jim and his classmates sat in their chairs waiting to take their final. Jim just wanted to get the test and the class over with. Finally someone entered the room.

"I am here to handout your final exams. Professor Smythe is somewhere on campus. He has left enough evidence for you to find him. You each have a different starting point that I have listed here. If you find the professor in the alotted time you pass. If you don't you don't." That said he handed out the envelopes and left.

Jim was supposed to start at Hardgrove hall. But he just stopped outside the door to Learned Hall opened up his senses. He went over to the professor's car and picked up his trail. He just tracked the professor by his mixture of his cologne and personal scent.

Jim came to several places where the professor crossed his own path. Jim just found the newer trail and followed it.

Half an hour later Jim found the professor in a study room tucked in the farthest corner of Main Library.

"Oh! Detective! I wasn't expecting anyone to find me so soon."

"Funny, I hear that from a lot of people I go looking for."

"Ok, I have found you. Thank you for the class. Bye Bye now."

"Actually, Detective Ellison. I would like to know how you found me so fast."

"Sorry, trade secret."

"You use that Kachon Ranti method did you? You know Detective, if you would teach me that method, I could include it in my class. Just think of all the other police detectives and departments that would benefit."

"Actually, it takes about eighteen months to learn and not everbody has the uh talent to use it. So I don't think that would be possible."


Shortly after Ellison left, Officer Workman, who was also taking the class, showed up. When asked how he found the professor he said. "We, at the Cascade Police Department, learned that if you want to find something fast, you sic Ellison on it and try to keep up."


Mean while, back at the station. Jim bearly walked through the bullpen doors when Simon cornered him. "I thought you had a test to take detective," Simon says.

"I did. Passed it already. Easy as shooting fish in a barrel."

Simon just chomped on his cigar, "Yeah, well I want to see your report card," Simon says.

"Yeah whatever, Simon." With that said, Jim headed towards his desk. Anly to stop when he saw a big black jaguar sitting on his desk and growling at him. "Okay, Im sorry I called you a smelly cat. Now get off my desk."

The End

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